那些邪恶无比的facebook 签名…………

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看看facebook上那些邪恶无比的签名吧,不懂的赶紧举手……

 

Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it’s too long.
(有多长?)

The teacher asks Timmy “why is your cat at school today?” Timmy says, crying, “Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.’ so I’m saving him!”
(以后说话可别让孩子听见……)

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
(变态不只国内有)

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.
(被谁捅了都不知道,悲剧……)

If you’re talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass!
(变态楼主)

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.
(我真的很邪恶……)

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
(不要嗑药啊)

…condom says to the tampon, “You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!” The tampon replies, “When you don’t do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!”
(这个国内有对应的笑话)

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
(不解风情的老公)

In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ’em to fuck with you.
(时代在变,报复的手段也在变)

“Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH
(误解……)

No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.
(还有谁喜欢抱地板?)

Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
(对于同一件事情的不同看法)

I changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
(高手!)

I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
(哎,邪恶无处不在……)

God loves me even when I don’t forward those chain letters.

Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.
(怎么觉得说这话的人这么孤单?)

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke
(你去问问不就知道了)

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
(这么狠……)

My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch.”
(哈哈,这个老妈……)

I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next”.
(不厚道啊……)

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
(女人哪……)

If the world doesnt end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.
(哈哈,很多人都有这样的打算……)

A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”
(正解!!)

The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
(你真的很邪恶……)

Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.
(不是吧)

Relationships are like fat people, most of them don’t work out.
(玩弄词义……)

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
(嗯,很有道理)

I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
(难道有3P的?)

Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
(也许你会变蜘蛛侠)

If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence… Your answer should always be, Please don’t hit me again officer…
(跟我***城管有的一拼啊)

Best way to get out of a text convo: “The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110”
(大家都懂的)

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
(实情)

Please tell your pants it’s rude to point.
(老兄,你也不收敛一下啊)

Unless your name is GOOGLE…stop acting like you KNOW EVERYTHING…
(貌似大家都讨厌这种人)

If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.
(变形金刚也玩这个?)

My bank is the worst. They’re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can’t even afford to be broke.
(天下乌鸦一般黑啊!)

A man yells at his wife “pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery.” “Oh wonderful!” she says, “should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” The husband replies, “I don’t care. Just get out!”
(会错意……)

Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
(还说没醉?)

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
(这个貌似要和谐)

Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.
(是吗?)

Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don’t dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.
(对于某些女人,还能说什么……)

My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said “I wanna watch.”
(会错意,嗯,我也很好奇,女同是怎么做的呢?)

You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
(呼呼)

If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
(谁让你如此邪恶)

I bet that in prison everyone’s FB relationship status is set to “it’s complicated”.
(嗯,的确很复杂)

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”
(男女差异啊)

A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, “I love you”. Girl asks “Is it you or the beer talking?”. Boy replies, “Its me. Talking to my beer.”
(哈哈,男人不能信啊)

Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.
(这还不够打击人家的!)

My wife always complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive… so I took her to the Gas Station.
(油价涨,伤不起啊!)

If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid’s college fund to go fuck itself.
(念不起书,加不起油,怎么办?)

Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road. bunette says Look, a dead bird. Blonde looks up in the sky, WHERE, WHERE?
(金发女郎真的那么笨么?)

If State Farm were such a good neighbor they’d come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.
(狗屎包围!)

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
(都没救了,去医院干嘛)

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
(很有深度的话)

I always lock my front door before I get in the shower ’cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I’d be HUMILIATED.
(真有那么难听么?)

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car’s horn to sound like gunfire.
(很有效,可以试一试)

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
(办公时间偷偷上网的人,是不是都有此经历呢)

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
(嗯,你很强)

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
(你真黄暴)

Face down, ass up, that’s the way we………… tie our shoes!
(想歪了吧)

I don’t get nervous if I’m surrounded by beautiful women. I know they’re all too busy hating each other to notice me.
(嘿嘿,女人的天性)

Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is… your list with names of naughty girls.
(我也想要这个)

Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How’d that work out for him?
(早起的虫儿被鸟吃)

Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.
(貌似如此啊)

When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
(很有道理)

I don’t care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.
(嘿嘿)

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  1. 呵呵,看懂了一些,果然够邪恶
    cp713052013-03-21 15:59 回复 Windows 7 | Firefox浏览器 14.0.1