Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it’s too long.
The teacher asks Timmy “why is your cat at school today?” Timmy says, crying, “Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.’ so I’m saving him!”
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.
If you’re talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass!
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
…condom says to the tampon, “You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!” The tampon replies, “When you don’t do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!”
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ’em to fuck with you.
“Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH
No I didnt trip The floor looked like it needed a hug.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
God loves me even when I don’t forward those chain letters.
Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch.”
I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next”.
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
If the world doesnt end on December 21st, 2012, I have a feeling there will be a lot of babies born on September 20th, 2013.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don’t work out.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence… Your answer should always be, Please don’t hit me again officer…
Best way to get out of a text convo: “The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110”
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
Please tell your pants it’s rude to point.
Unless your name is GOOGLE…stop acting like you KNOW EVERYTHING…
If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.
My bank is the worst. They’re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can’t even afford to be broke.
A man yells at his wife “pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery.” “Oh wonderful!” she says, “should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” The husband replies, “I don’t care. Just get out!”
Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.
Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don’t dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.
My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said “I wanna watch.”
You know how they say when you die, your whole life flashes before you? Well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I bet that in prison everyone’s FB relationship status is set to “it’s complicated”.
An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is nothing.”
A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, “I love you”. Girl asks “Is it you or the beer talking?”. Boy replies, “Its me. Talking to my beer.”
Not trying to be rude, but your dick gets less action then a white crayon.
My wife always complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive… so I took her to the Gas Station.
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid’s college fund to go fuck itself.
Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road. bunette says Look, a dead bird. Blonde looks up in the sky, WHERE, WHERE?
If State Farm were such a good neighbor they’d come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I always lock my front door before I get in the shower ’cause if a killer broke in & heard me singing I’d be HUMILIATED.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car’s horn to sound like gunfire.
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way we………… tie our shoes!
I don’t get nervous if I’m surrounded by beautiful women. I know they’re all too busy hating each other to notice me.
Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is… your list with names of naughty girls.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How’d that work out for him?
Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.
When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
I don’t care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.